2020 04 14

this is an amalgamation of several tarot readings, with more details that have been filled in from other sources.
It's not quite phrased how I want it to be, and there's a lot that I know from both readings and memories that's missing, but it's very difficult to translate to actual english words. I'll revise this as I word it better and find a way to phrase things that I haven't added yet due to not quite figuring out how to so far. Either way, I'll put down what I have so it's backed up online somewhere.
I was created nearer to the beginning, in a key rite of creation, from what I believe to be the universe, a source of pure emotion. At my core, I was balanced between positive and negative. I was associated with fire and an overindulgence in manifestation and imagination. I was raised with very high expectations, and forced to align to the higher up's views. There was little room for difference, and I was heavily watched over and controlled. I was raised by someone that I think I have a name for, but I'd rather not state that here. They were also associated with fire, and I wasn't exactly on their good side.
What led me to being here was a long state of feeling abandoned and left out, and being disconnected from my feelings, which led to me not being disciplined in my thoughts, causing an argument. Primarily this was through misalignment between mine and their values and goals, and having issues with doing some tasks that I was meant to, partially added toIby starting to have issues working with others. I was given a chance to learn while staying there, but I didn't, and so was temporarily sent here to live out a life as education, time to rethink, and self discipline. I was told that I had too much focus on my own goals, too much vision, and that I needed to give them a break and listen to their side. Specifically material wants and goals, and seeking to know too much. I was ultimately blocked from my long term goals and from planning too far ahead.
There was also some form of disagreement between something that I only vaguely have an idea of, but it was related to the manifestation of the divine and the material in one. This would ordinarily spark Jesusy connections in many people I'm sure, but I'm not Christian, and I don't so far believe that I had anything to do with the Christian idea of god or the universe. Something I did well was keeping control and patience for as long as I did. and keeping things to myself to stay safe, and saying that I agree with and working on whatever that material problem was too.
Others saw me as a tolerent and empathetic leader, balanced, and in control of my emotions. In the end, I stood up for what they couldn't bring themselves to. I saw them as strong, more patient than I ended up being, and more capable of controlling and respecting themselves.
I have forgotten an act of gratitude towards me.
This really isn't it, and as said, there's a lot that I know that I couldn't include here because I couldn't word it, and there's a lot here that I couldn't word quite right. It's really very frustrating, and I feel like it's all trapped inside my head. I'll add to this as I can and as I refine it. Either way, it's like this for now.